Reasoning A Lunch: By Anthony Fatticus
"Sure thing buddy," I say since my stomach been screaming, "I'm hungry kid," for the past 30 minutes. So let's go downstairs to the healthy food stand known as the 'Cyber Cafe' in the MSU Library. Now by healthy I mean that the counters are cleaned and the sneeze guards are completely whiped off, so I can see clearly into the sorted arrangement of baked this, and yummy that's.
"Hmmmm..........." my belly says. I let it do most of the talking, it seems to usually make the right decision. I scan over the assorted apples and oranges I would never dare to touch, let alone eat.
"I swear I've seen those same oranges for the past 4 years" my belly says, "let's move over to the muffins".
Since they don't have any over smuthered mayonaise tuna sandwhiches, I guess I'll just have a muffin. "those are nutricious", I tell myself. And even though I 'know' they arn't whatsoever healthy I begin to convice myself. So what do I do, it's pro's and con's time boys and girls. You know you've heard your daddies do this before. Well, it can be used also on food selection....but only for the kids with "fat kid tendencies". This is how I convince myself
1.) muffins look like they could be made out of some grainy material. Bread is good, wheat is good, sure!!! these muffins must be healthy!
2.)blueberries!!!!!!!!! didn't someone tell me blueberries are brain food. I sure need to stock up on my brainfood. And yes, arn't blueberries grown from the earth.
So for item number one, 'the blueberry muffin', I listed two great lies of facts in order to make my selection. In reality, these muffins arn't made out of any kind of whole grains or anything wheat related. All I know is that it's flufly, moist, and has a lot of sugar on the top. Second of all, there are no actually blueberries inside this muffin. This is no Farmers Market muffin, this is a fluffy piece of goodness, injected with purple food coloring. You know those little candy sprinkles people put on cakes and cupcakes.....those could be the blueberries inside this muffin.
So that takes care of "healthy breakfast item #1" so far. There's still two more decisions to be made up at the fron tcounter of this Cyber Cafe I'm at.
"hmmmmm...so I picked the muffin......what goes good with a muffin"............my fat kid spidey sense tells me I should turn around and seize the day behind me. I obey this order, and turn around to see to my surprise........."the chip stand". So many wide varieties of chips......baked.....salted....cheese coated....bubble gum dipped.....and of course.......French Onion. With a capitol 'F' and 'O'. I quickly skip, not walk, over to this Chip-a-polloza and snatch a large 99 cent bag of Sun Chips: French Onion. (In theatres soon starring, Mel Gibson, and K.D. Lang) Of course the movie comment is something I don't say out loud, but it sure gave me and my belly a few laughs and giggles. So the Sun Chips: French Onion, are placed upon the counter for purchasing.
This is where my conscious begins to go wild. I must justify my decisions. Every action has a reaction, and my reaction is to say "let's ride", to the fat kid theory.
Sun Chips, just reading the package should give you enough solid evidence for consuming. Because there's so many glorious clues just on the bag itself!
1.) Common sense fat kids, I mean, it says right on the front, "GREAT MULTIGRAIN TASTE". this is true! It is a great tasting snack, and it does taste like a great pile of multigrains sitting on my palette.
2.) beneath that first statement is another "30% Less Fat". That's AWSOME!! that means I can Eat 30% more Sun Chips than I usually do because the first bag contains 30% less fat than what I would usually eat from just one bag. Now..... the higher order of fat kid tendencies, would be to buy another bag of these chips, and on the way home from lunch, eat just 30% of the bag so you break even at the end of the day.
3.)Do you see the little circle on the side of the bag that says "Smart Choices Made Easy". Well, us fat kids love easy choices, and if you look closely it's got a little check mark, with a head above it to represent a person(al) check for the day. But to me, it's someone saying, "hey, look at me, eat this and you get a hug by me.....Mrs. Smart Choice check lady. So right there, just by eating this glorious bag, you get personal satisfaction, and a little love on the side.
4.) If this isn't enough for you, just turn the bag over, instead of saying something else, they repeat everything they've said on the front.....in real life sentences for you on the back. Great signage made into chip bag literature if you ask me.
I mean, it should be obvious, chips are chips, either way they arn't healthy for you. And if you get the kind that has like "zero" fat in them....we'll they just make you shit a lot. And no one likes shitting a lot.....i'll say it again... shit... shit.. shit... shit.. uncomfotable huh? Say it outloud in front of your mom a couple of times......very very uncomfrotable.....well, that's what it'll be like if you eat those 'sorry of an excuse for health food chips'.
So on to the last and final item.....'hmmm...Anthony my boy....what are you gonna wash all this down with', say's my stomach. You're right! I almost forgot.....I need something to drink....a dry palette is always the worst thing while trying to enjoy salty and sweet food groups.
"why.....is that a fountain pop machine I see way in the distance?"
"EUREKA!!!!! it is" (and the only reason I know how to spell eureka is because that's the name of my street. If I didn't live there you'd be i'd be surfing the net for dictionary.com right now"
"ahhhh coke will be just fine, it is of course an important source of nurticion for us fat kids" my belly tells me. So here comes the only and I say only, because really, this one is hard to justify. There's only one ingredient put into this marvoulous contraption of liquified greateness that is an essential substance for human existance. And that substance is......can you guess it....
1) ice-cubes. Yes, ice cubes are contained of water which is essential for human existance as we know it. This my friend is the ultimate low in fat kid tendencies. It's what we fat kids refer to as the golden rule of complete truthful logic. By any means necessary, if you can justify it with illogical reasoning, then you can eat it.
This concludes my epic tale of the drastic decisions that are made when choosing the right items to snack upon. I hope you all enjoyed it as much as I did.....now, let me get back to my chips.
1 comment:
anthony, you're fat.
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